An ache

that reaches out from the very youngest that I was

to the oldest that I will ever be

A tired weariness

that no sleep will ever sate

Intuition and knowledge

no longer bear me on winged feet

Instead they are driven now by yoke and whip

As I march to a tune off kilter

Ring the bells that still can ring.

Forget your perfect offering.

There’s a crack in everything.

Thats how the light gets in.

                                                              – Leonard Cohen

It is a bloodline

we seek

to eke out out

from the tomb

to the womb

The father, the son

and another

If Allah wills.

One day you finally knew what you had to do and began

though the voices around you

kept shouting

their bad advice -

though the whole house

began to tremble

and you felt the old tug

at your ankles.

“Mend my life!”

each voice cried.

But you didn’t stop.

You knew what you had to do,

though the wind pried

with it’s stiff fingers

at the very foundations,

though their melancholy

was terrible.

It was already late enough,

and a wild night,

and the road full of fallen

branches and stones.

But little by little,

as you left their voices behind,

the stars beganto burn

through the sheets of clouds,

and there was new voice,

which you slowly

recognized as your own,

that kept you company

as you strode deeper and deeper

into the world,

determined to do

the only thing you could do -

determined to save

the only life you cold save.

 - Mary Oliver

It’s always the first word that’s most intimidating

We stare each other down

myself and the blank page.

Until in the end, always in the end

He convinces me that there is nothing to write.

Defeated, I lay down my pen.

Words of golden fields on baking farmlands

Of the sleek blonde with nervous champagne laughter

Of  how the Joburg night thrums through your pulse

Sit stagnant in my ink

Eventually melting away.

I say no more.

Be thankful for the first step.

In it we conquer mountains.

It’s me I struggle to find, half in a dream and mostly out of mind.  Welcoming more feet through that door, holding it all back and giving away much more than before.  Thinking up immature amatuer rhymes, feeling guilty about lonelier times.  Soil and dough to mould my hands, ink my souls only brand.  Mumbling, fumbling, stifling screams.  Frowning and drowning wondering what it all means.  I face you, I chase you, I ignore you for ages.  I never soothe you but bruise you and you seep through my pages.  I sigh, you look.  I’m not proud of you yet.  I sigh, you know how complicated it will get.  I pick at the scab, forgetting my spite.  I have things to do.  I’ll wake me tonight.

‘He’s a hitter’ she said, as though she was describing a star baseball player and not her husband.  Her hands shook.  She became a thing of disdain.

Do I have to tell you to get out? Do I have to tell you, after 12 years and 1 child, how to find a place of safety? Can you say ‘restraining order’?  I dont know if I should reiterate to you how bad he is or how stupid you are to be taking it.

I guess we all make our choices.

I read the piece in the Sunday Times as well as Kayenchantes’ and The Bloggers’.  Here’s mine, only I think I have bit more to say.

1. By the time you’re 4 years-old you should know the importance of loving and respecting yourself - this is something you should never forget.
2. If you think you’ve had enough, you probably have.
3. It doesn’t matter how many times you press the snooze button – eventually you will have to face the world.
4. God laughs at us sometimes (yes He does) – so have a sense of humour.
5. Be brutally honest with yourself – it’ll save you on alot of therapy.
6. You will not always need a doctor.
7. A wholesome personality is grossly underrated.
8. READ. Read everything you can, information is one of the only true assets.
9. You will only ever be happy…when you decide to.
10. Don’t agonise over being thin and good-looking, instead invest in your over-all health.
11. As crappy as it sounds, your parents do know best.
12. If you’re dreading doing something, get it done with as early as you can in the day.
13. Play.
14. Silence is usually the best response to an unfair attack – count to 10 before you spit venom.
15. You are not perfect.
16. Don’t ever think someone will ‘complete you’ – be a whole person before you rope some one else into your life.  The best love stories are based on friendship.
17. There is most certainly a God. And darling He’s watching you.
18. If you have too open a mind, sometimes your brains fall out.
19. Travel.
20. You catch more flies with honey than vinegar.

Maybe I dont want to wake up late on Saturday…or early on Sunday.  I think I want breakfast ready and waiting for a change.  And so what if I want to have conversation over a lingering cup of coffee at a table that isn’t mine.  Yes, it’s true – I wouldn’t mind flowers, what the hell…there I said it.  I dont think it’s fair that anyone comment on my weight, just ‘cos I’m not packing hips of your girth dont mean I aint got feelings. And, by the way, yes I do bloody mind doing countless favours.  I’m sorry I get angry, no wait…I’m not and while we’re on it, I’m not sorry I get irritated either. I love stillettos, I want the latest pair of sissy boys and yes I can freakin’ change the cars oil, skin a sheep and run in them.  Your left nut if it bothers you that I use ‘high english’ and I know the meaning of ‘insipid’.  I like R&B and kwaito and sometimes I listen to Richard Clayderman.  I LOVE journalism – the running-in-a-hail-of-bullets, recording-sounclips, knowing-things-first, writing-fit-script kind.  I didn’t study.  Not the conventional way anyway and I dont see a bleedin’ thing wrong with it.  I think few parents know how to raise their kids properly.  I think if you make a decision with your heart and the right intention you should have faith that everythings gonna work out.  Very few people have that.  I hate ‘I’m-a-matyr-syndrome’ get over it – it never works out.  You will only be appreciated after you die and no-one I know is going to wait around that long. There I said it.  Well, most of it anyway.